Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Verbal Abuse

Verbal Abuse Signs and Symptoms Cause Emotional Pain

First, let's define verbal abuse signs as different from verbal abuse symptoms.Verbal abuse signs are your observations about the person who is verbally abusive towards you. Things the verbal abuser does and says that affect your thinking, beliefs, or emotions. Verbal abuse symptoms are your observations about you. Symptoms live inside of you, so others may or may not notice them.
Second, if you are abused, you may find it difficult to "observe" your abuser and yourself. Observing implies "stating the facts" (which I'm sure you can do). But observing also implies interpreting those facts, and this is the difficult part for some abuse victims. You may second-guess your observations because the abuser consistently implants the idea in your mind that you cannot believe your own thoughts.
Disbelief of your own perception (a symptom of verbal abuse) sounds like you thinking, "Oh, she didn't mean it that way! Her favorite form of humor is sarcasm." or "He had another bad day; he told me that and I still pressed for conversation." So put aside excuse-making and self-blame and trust your gut instinct as you answer these questions.

Verbal Abuse Signs

Do they...
  • make derogatory comments about a group you belong to (gender, career, religion, etc.)? This comment might end with "I mean them, not you."
  • make fun of or insult your ideas, behaviors, or beliefs?
  • make negative comments about people, places or things that you love?
  • say things that are almost true about you, but leave you wanting to defend yourself?
  • say, "What? It was just a joke!" to dismiss a remark that offends you?
  • ask you questions about something that just happened and reply to your answers, "Do you care to think about that and answer the question again?" or just sit there, staring at you, in a way that lets you know your answer wasn't "right"?
  • engage you in long conversations about things on which you disagree until you reach the point of wanting to say, "Okay. Whatever. You're right!" Or insist that you repeat what they said and then, later, claim, "You agreed with me (then)!"
  • somehow manage to physically back you into a corner or somewhere you cannot easily escape during intense conversations?

Verbal Abuse Symptoms

Do you feel...
  • nervous when approaching them with certain topics?
  • insulted because of their use of foul language, or does their use of foul language change the meaning of otherwise normal requests? (Such as, "Could you f*ck*ng tell me how much f*ck*ng longer it will be before you're ready for dinner?")
  • a need to "tell on yourself" about innocent events in case the person hears about it later?
  • misunderstood for the most part in your relationship?
Do you doubt...
  • your sanity, intelligence, or communication skills because of difficulties relating to them?
  • your memories when it comes to recalling conversations or events with the person because their take on it is so different from your own?
These questions relating to verbal abuse signs and verbal abuse symptoms describe how verbal abuse sneaks inside the framework of your relationship and poisons your thoughts with confusion and doubt.

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Face Event

Thursday, October 23, 2014

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What is Babassu OilBabassu oil is derived from the fruits of the babassu palm, a tree native to the tropical rain forests of Brazil. The oil is similar to coconut oil and is used in cooking and cosmetics. It is light yellow in color and semi-soft at room temperature, but melts easily when rubbed into the skin. This oil is increasingly becoming a substitute for coconut oil, and its wild harvest is a major industry in Brazil.
The babassu palm was discovered by French paleontologist A.D. d'Orbigny in the early 1800s. The South American natives called the tree babassu, and d'Orbigny gave it the scientific name Orbignya oleifera. This palm grows up to 20 feet (6.1 meters) tall. It has several clusters of up to 500 fruits that resemble small coconuts. The oil is derived by cold pressing the seeds of these fruits. Babassu oil is made up of 70 percent lipids, with a high percentage of lauric and myristic acids. It is these acids that give the oil its low melting temperature.
When babassu oil comes into contact with the skin, it draws the heat out and creates a cooling effect. It is a common ingredient in lotions, creams, lip balms and hair conditioners. The oil forms a protective layer on the skin that isn't greasy or shiny, and it can be used on all skin types. It is also useful for people with eczema and other types of dermatitis because it is gentle and non-comedogenic.

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Codependency


Codependency
Codependent relationships are a type of dysfunctional helping relationship where one person supports or enables another person’s addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement. People with a predisposition to be a codependent enabler often find themselves in relationships where their primary role is that of rescuer, supporter, and confidante.

There is a thing of helping to much.  I have learned a lot this past week.  It has truly helped me to understand a lot.  I now understand why I like to help people so much.  I have to learn how to use it in a good nurturing way and not in the way it has been used and abused the past 25 years I no longer need to be an enabler.  I just cannot believe I never knew of this before.






Tuesday, October 21, 2014

What is Gaslighting

What is Gaslighting?


hotline-gaslighting“You’re crazy – that never happened.”
“Are you sure? You tend to have a bad memory.”
“It’s all in your head.”

Does your partner repeatedly say things like this to you? Do you often start questioning your own perception of reality, even your own sanity, within your relationship? If so, your partner may be using what mental health professionals call “gaslighting.”
This term comes from the 1938 stage play Gas Light, in which a husband attempts to drive his wife crazy by dimming the lights (which were powered by gas) in their home, and then he denies that the light changed when his wife points it out. It is an extremely effective form of emotional abuse that causes a victim to question their own feelings, instincts, and sanity, which gives the abusive partner a lot of power (and we know that abuse is about power and control). Once an abusive partner has broken down the victim’s ability to trust their own perceptions, the victim is more likely to stay in the abusive relationship.
There are a variety of gaslighting techniques that an abusive partner might use:
Withholding: the abusive partner pretends not to understand or refuses to listen. Ex. “I don’t want to hear this again,” or “You’re trying to confuse me.”
Countering: the abusive partner questions the victim’s memory of events, even when the victim remembers them accurately. Ex. “You’re wrong, you never remember things correctly.”
Blocking/Diverting: the abusive partner changes the subject and/or questions the victim’s thoughts. Ex. “Is that another crazy idea you got from [friend/family member]?” or “You’re imagining things.”
Trivializing: the abusive partner makes the victim’s needs or feelings seem unimportant. Ex. “You’re going to get angry over a little thing like that?” or “You’re too sensitive.”
Forgetting/Denial: the abusive partner pretends to have forgotten what actually occurred or denies things like promises made to the victim. Ex. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” or “You’re just making stuff up.”
(Source)
Gaslighting typically happens very gradually in a relationship; in fact, the abusive partner’s actions may seem harmless at first. Over time, however, these abusive patterns continue and a victim can become confused, anxious, isolated, and depressed, and they can lose all sense of what is actually happening. Then they start relying on the abusive partner more and more to define reality, which creates a very difficult situation to escape.
In order to overcome this type of abuse, it’s important to start recognizing the signs and eventually learn to trust yourself again. According to author and psychoanalyst Robin Stern, Ph.D., the signs of being a victim of gaslighting include:
  • You constantly second-guess yourself.
  • You ask yourself, “Am I too sensitive?” multiple times a day.
  • You often feel confused and even crazy.
  • You’re always apologizing to your partner.
  • You can’t understand why, with so many apparently good things in your life, you aren’t happier.
  • You frequently make excuses for your partner’s behavior to friends and family.
  • You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don’t have to explain or make excuses.
  • You know something is terribly wrong, but you can never quite express what it is, even to yourself.
  • You start lying to avoid the put downs and reality twists.
  • You have trouble making simple decisions.
  • You have the sense that you used to be a very different person – more confident, more fun-loving, more relaxed.
  • You feel hopeless and joyless.
  • You feel as though you can’t do anything right.
  • You wonder if you are a “good enough” partner.
If any of these signs ring true for you, give us a call at 1-800-799-7233 or chat with us online Monday through Friday, 9am-7pm CST. Our advocates are here to support and listen to you.
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Enjoy

Today has been a challenging day emotionally for me.  Made me think back to being a child. You know this was one of the commercials we all loved to sing as a child. Kind of puts a smile on my face! Don't let no one ever still your joy, when they do find something or someone to put a smile on your face!   This was the first thing that came to my mind (rescue)

ENJOY!




It all starts with the right foundation!

Monday, October 20, 2014

Meet Paddy the Penguin




Meet Paddy the Penguin! 

Paddy is going to make a lot of Children happy with your help. You can donate a dollar or more, when $20 is reached a Paddy the Penguin will be donated to our Victims Assistance and police department. My goal is 50 Paddy the Penguins.
(If you would like to do this in your hometown for a special group or organization message me and lets make it happen.  Are children and priceless)




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Friday, October 17, 2014

Stages of Healing After Narcissistic Abuse


Stages of Healing After Narcissistic Abuse


1. The Decision to Heal.

Once you recognize the effects of narcissistic abuse in your life, you make an active commitment to heal. Regardless of the pain or risks you have to face, you're sick and tired of being sick and tired. You're ready to jump, almost as if your self protective mechanism kicks in and says, NOW OR NEVER!  Deep healing happens only when you choose it, pursue it and are willing to endure the long, process of recovering from narc abuse.

 2. The Crisis Stage.

Beginning to deal with memories and suppressed feelings can throw your life into utter turmoil. This is the stage of very intense emotions. You are "withdrawing" in a sense from having your every move dictated or at least judged. Drama, chaos, fighting take a toll on you. You may feel very anxious, shocked, depressed and very mistrustful.  Please Remember, this is only a stage. It WON'T last forever.  The most helpful action at this stage, is to READ EVERYTHING YOU CAN ABOUT NARCISSISM, THE NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY AND NARCISSISTIC ABUSE. This knowledge is your power to motor on. Balance this learning with EXCEPTIONAL self care. Allow yourself all your emotions, be honest and simply FEEL.

 3. Remembering.

Many survivors suppress all memories of what happened to them as children or in their adult relationships. Those who do not forget the actual incidents often forget how it felt at the time.  Numbing, compartmentalizing and disassociating kept you SAFE. Now you're free and your emotions are permitted.  Remembering is the process of getting back both memory and feeling in congruency. It also helps you GRIEVE.

 4. Accepting the reality of the narcissist.

Believing it Happened and Realizing that it was a type of abuse; maybe it never got physical. But believe me, just as soul shattering and damaging. Survivors often doubt their own perceptions or minimize how bad it really was. Coming to believe that the abuse really happened, and that it really hurt you, and that your hurt is important and should be nurtured and cared for is a vital part of the healing process.

 5. Breaking Your Silence.

Most adult survivors keep their abusers secrets. Telling another human being about what happened to you is a powerful healing force that can dispel the shame of being a victim. Remember, the action belongs to the perpetrator and so does the shame. You were targeted.

 6. Understanding That It Wasn’t Your Fault.

Adults & Children usually believe the abuse is their fault. Adult survivors must place the blame where it belongs – directly on the shoulders of the abusers. Romantic partners who were subjected to the narcissist's abuse - must place the responsibility and accountability with the narc. The re-establishment or creation of BOUNDARIES will help you quickly identify what is YOURS to fix, and what isn't. You are responsible for getting better and taking care of yourself here on out. Keeping yourself safe from harm, but healed and open for all the amazing possibilities life offers.

 7. Connecting with your inner child.

By that, I mean - the innocent, trusting, unconditionally accepting child inside all of us who were hurt in our lives. To imagine someone small and childlike to protect is something all of us with empathy and or children can identify with. What did you need as a child or older that youre lacking now? What do you need to feel whole? Listen to this child. Such wisdom can be found  DEEP within our souls. Many survivors have lost touch with their own vulnerability. Getting in touch with the child within can help you feel compassion for yourself, more anger at your abuser and greater intimacy with others.

 8. Trusting Yourself.

The best guide for healing is your own inner voice. Learning to trust your own perceptions, feelings and intuitions forms a new basis for action in the world. LISTEN. ACT. You will begin to trust that you can COUNT on yourself to take care of you. That's a powerful feeling Trust in yourself. (God First for me)

  9. Grieving and Mourning.

As children being abused, and later as adults struggling to survive, most survivors haven’t felt their losses. Grieving is a way to honor your pain, let go, and move into the present. CRY IT OUT. CRY IT ALL OUT ONCE AND FOR ALL. GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION TO BALL LIKE A BABY.

 10. Anger.

The Backbone of Healing Anger is a powerful and liberating force. Whether you need to get in touch with it or have always have had plenty to spare, directing your rage squarely at your abuser, and at those who didn’t protect you, is pivotal to healing. Use your anger to MOTIVATE YOU TO ACTION AND CHANGE. Internally and with the world around you. Use anger at your abuser to propel you to DO GOOD DEEDS in the name of paying it forward. Dont worry, this stage wont last forever either. Sometimes, IT FEELS LIKE it will last FOREVER. It wont. Get it out positively. Work out. Fuel your passions and transformation.

 11. Disclosures and Confrontations.

Directly confronting your abuser and/or your family is not for every survivor, but it can be a dramatic, cleansing tool. They won't care, so please dont expect them to. You can always just get it out in a blog, letter or other form of writing and letting go "ritual" that you find cathartic. Then don't send it. I always say, nothing says "F" you, like SILENCE.

 12. Forgiveness?

Forgiveness of the abuser is ENTIRELY personal to each survivor. There's no way that a topic so delicate as this, be dictated by MY beliefs. You pursue your path to forgiveness as you deem appropriate both in method AND timing. When you're ready, you'll KNOW. Youll get tired of feeling angry and willing to try something more PEACEFUL. For EVERYONE.  Remember too, that a critical essential of forgiveness is for yourself.

 13. Spirituality.

Having a sense of a power greater than yourself can be a real asset and source of serenity in the healing process. Spirituality is a uniquely personal experience. You might find it through traditional religion, meditation, nature or your support group. Immerse yourself in Faith and you're HOPE and sense of security will be a God send. :) Literally.

 14. Resolution and Moving On.

As you move through these stages again and again, you will reach a point of integration. Your feelings and perspectives will stabilize. You will come to terms with your abuser and other family members. While you won’t erase your history, you will make deep and lasting changes in your life. Having gained awareness, compassion and power through healing, you will have the opportunity to work toward a better world.

 (Adapted from The Courage to Heal after Sexual Abuse) 

You are so close to Honor Society Status

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End to Darkness


As I was driving this morning I had this profound thought.   Let me tell you first what made me think this as I was driving.  I was chatting with a friend this morning who said she would help me fill out my divorce papers.  So as I was driving to one of my appointments today I thought wow, I am no longer going to have a part of me that lives in darkness.  Soon that darkness will be removed from my life.

Enabler -   one that enables another to achieve an end; especially :  one who enables another to persist in self-destructive behavior (as substance abuse) by providing excuses or by making it possible to avoid the consequences of such behavior

Codependency - is defined as a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition (typically narcissism or drug addiction); and in broader terms, it refers to the dependence on the needs of, or control by, another.
I have basically been single and a single Mom for years with no emotional support of any kind.  The saying what doesn't kill you makes you stronger is a very true statement.  I do love my life very much and love making memories.   I do believe this is why I have so much love and passion for what I do.  
I have survived cancer, I will survive this and this to shall pass.   

Best Advice anyone can give don't stay where you are not given any love in return...  I did for 25 years waiting for it to get better......







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